After The Storm // Mumford & Sons

Sometimes I really feel mad and horribly insane.

I wonder if something is wrong with me and why I can't feel normally.

I wonder why I can't ever please myself...

Because to be completely frank, that is what my life consists of

just trying to make myself okay and then failing and then getting inspired off of some band or artist or video and repeat. (endlessly endlessly repeat.)

And sometimes it works but very often it doesn't.

Even at shows it's like I'm never really there. I wonder why I didn't just go straight home. I wonder why I'm alone. I look at all the happy people and feel very small. I start thinking.....really thinking. I think of everyone offering me drinks and assuming I'm twenty two and I think of me just sitting there going right along just because I lack the empathy to change their mind and have them treat me like some kid. And it's okay because for just one moment during that night I felt full and happy so I do it again and again and again because happiness is such a fleeting feeling.

And truthfully I've come to know that this......my life in general, will be a battle for the rest of my life. I'm grateful in knowing that the battle isn't as dark or oppresive as it sometimes can be. But just thinking of feeling so fucking.....obscure and misplaced and hopeless for the rest of my life just makes me want to sleep. I wish I could just know a person and think that they're okay and just leave it at that. I wish I didn't have to analyze every word they say to me and end up getting annoyed by their presence before I even know what they're about.

It's just tiring to wind yourself up.

There I am on a couch at some venue, tired, and alone to my thoughts. And the band I came out to see is playing and I think "I should get up and dance and be free" so I literally begin to tap my foot in order to convince myself to feel and I know its a farce and I really just don't want to be awake at that moment. But i still try to convince myself to quit thinking and quit feeling so i bop my head a little harder.

It's just a bad feeling....just a really disheartening one.

And then there's always this moment where I know things aren't going the way I hoped they would and I just feel horrible. It's gotten so bad that I don't even really want to talk about it. Not even on here....because it doesn't make a bit of sense and when I say them out loud my words just fall to the ground while they float around in my brain holding weight for hours on end.....

I just don't even know who the fuck i am sometimes.